What is it that makes it so much easier for some of us to interact, inspire and therefore lead others? Very often, the answer has a lot to do with the amount of charisma someone carries with him. Although being charismatic may come more easily for some than for others, certain tips and tricks can be used by anyone who wants to enhance their ability to connect with others. Here are a few of them.
I’m willing to bet you at least know one person directly or indirectly, with that certain “je ne sais quoi” you can’t quite put your finger on. Even though you don’t know what it exactly is, you do know that it’s a special ability, dare I say superpower for those lucky enough to possess it. I’m talking about the ability some of us have to immediately own any room they walk into. It’s a power that when you have it, makes people listen, feel drawn and connected to you, seemingly without you having to make any effort to make it so. That to me is the power of charisma.
I was reminded of its potency after re-watching for the so- manieth time the late Apple founder Steve Jobs’ now legendary presentation of when he first introduced the iPhone to the world. From time to time, I find myself going back to that video, if only to remind myself of what a great presentation looks like. Sure, what Jobs was presenting is a great product that would’ve undoubtedly been successful even without him having given that pitch. That said, the way he handled himself in that moment, the words he used and his tone of voice, made an already excited crowd leap into a frenzy. Walter Isaacson, who wrote his biography, even coined a term for it: “the Reality Distortion Field.”
Steve Jobs, the late co-founder of Apple, was widely known for his charisma and often spell-binding presentations.
What is it about certain people that causes such a reaction?
After doing some research, the answer to this question surprised me a little bit. I had expected to come to the conclusion that being charismatic and having the ability to charm people is something innate, an ability one could improve somewhat but never master completely if it doesn’t already come naturally .
Fortunately, it turns out, charisma and the ability to influence others is something that everyone can work to improve, and even become very good at.
Here are a few rules to follow to become the magnetic person you’ve always wanted to be:
Practice Deep Gazing
One sure way to increase your level of charisma is to maintain the right amount of eye contact during an interaction. Doing so releases the trust- building chemical oxytocin, similar to when you used to give a good handshake. It turns out we tend to like people more when they look at us, so it’s very important, especially when meeting someone for the first time, to not shy away from them.
One of the undisputed experts in the field, is former President Bill Clinton, who when meeting someone, reportedly takes the concept of eye contact to a whole new level. Without spelling out the obvious, whilst exercising this ability allowed him to reach the top of the political world, it also arguably led him to engage in morally objectionable behavior... Whoever came up with the saying "too much of anything isn't good for you" might be on to something after all.
That being said, a good friend of Michael Ellsberg, who spent years studying interpersonal persuasion and language, told the story of a friend who although always having despised Bill Clinton, somehow found himself at a function that he was attending as well. And, before he knew it, he was introduced to the man himself. Recounting the meeting, he said that from the moment he came face-to-face with him, all his personal animosity towards Clinton disappeared in an instant. It was as if he’d been struck by lightning. As they were shaking hands, Clinton he said, made eye contact with him in a way that was so powerful and intimate, that it felt to him as though they were the only two people in the room.
A New York Times magazine profile near the beginning of his presidency also referred to his ability to making eye contact so deep that it leaves recipients often mesmerized.
Could we all getting the same ability simply by the virtue of our eye contact?
According to author and entrepreneur Tim Ferris, it is absolutely possible for anyone of us to achieve similar results in a short amount of time.
An effective way to do so is to practice brief eye contact with strangers.
As you walk down the sidewalk, look at the eyes of every single person walking towards you long enough to see their eye color. The whole thing shouldn’t last more than one second. In all situations, it is of course important to maintain a neutral facial expression and soft gaze, as you don’t want anyone to think that you’re trying to stare them down or rob them… According to Ferris, practicing all this for a week or two as you go about your day, will drastically improve the quality of your eye contact, and therefore also your charisma.
Be present
This is perhaps the most important rule. After all, how can you possibly expect others to follow you if you come across as being focused on something other than the person or people you’re currently with?
In the current age of tweets, status updates and cell phone pings, this is more difficult than it may appear. In fact, we are living in a world where it seems no one can focus on anything or anyone for more than a brief moment. How rare is it nowadays for someone to truly pay attention to us? Consider the wording of the phrase: pay attention. In modern society, it seems as though attention is almost as scarce a resource as money, and therefore being with someone who ‘pays’ it to you is giving you something of real value.
A good way to practice being present is to focus on bringing your attention back to whomever you’re talking to at the moment whenever you feel as though your attention is drifting to other pressing concerns like whether you’ve done the laundry today or that trip to the grocery store you still need to make.
Dare to be vulnerable
One of the things that makes it so much easier and attractive for us to connect to other people, is when we feel that the person we’re interacting with is authentic, and not projecting some kind of image.
Most people believe that those who are considered to be the most charismatic can only be the ones society deems successful, like a CEO, a famous actor or politician. In short, people who seem to have it all and lead the ‘perfect’ life.
According to behavioral expert Vanessa van Edwards, nothing could be further from the truth. In fact she said, charismatic people tend to embrace their vulnerability. In an interview she gave on charisma, she mentioned a study by the psychologist Richard Weismann, who wanted to see if vulnerability could make us more likable. And so, he had two actresses sell a blender in a mall. One actress had the perfect pitch, the other one had the same pitch but spilled the smoothie from the blender all over the table. Any idea who ended up selling the most blenders? You guessed it: it was a girl spilled the smoothie… And not only did she sell more blenders, she was rated as more likable by the participants.
Behavioral expert Vanessa Van Edwards has spent years studying the topics of charisma and influence.
The bottom line says van Edwards, is that we should stop worrying about being perfect as we can use our imperfections to bond with people.
As a disabled person who spends most of his time in a wheelchair, I’ve found it difficult at times to liberate myself from the internal pressure I feel to fit in, and as a result in certain circumstances, especially in social situations, I often ended up playing a role, to best conform to what I believed others expected of me. Now that I’ve come to realize the importance of vulnerability, I feel as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Imagine how different the world would be if we all dared to be ourselves, and stopped pretending to be something or someone were not…
Praise, don’t criticize
When it comes to the topic of charisma and how to influence people, there has never been a greater master on the subject than Dale Carnegie, a successful salesman who rose to fame after writing the international bestseller “How to win friends and influence people”.
One of the first rules in the book, emphasizes that in order to win people over, it is extremely important to build them up and praise them in a genuine way, making kind and gentle suggestions, rather than demanding or commanding the people you’re leading or working with. By making others think that even your great ideas are actually theirs, or the result of your successful collaboration, you are far more likely to build trust, loyalty and therefore achieve the results you want, than if you constantly disagree or try to show your superiority.
In the end, what struck me the most after diving into the subject of charisma a little, is that the most effective way to be charismatic, and therefore to connect with others, is to focus less when with others, on our own wants and needs, but on the contrary, to develop a genuine interest in what happens in the other person’s life, without making it all about ourselves. This may sound like a cliché, and maybe it is, but at a time of growing polarization and divisions between people, it certainly is something each and everyone can strive to cultivate in their life. I certainly will try.
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